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Ain't I - I mean Life... yes Life - a bitch? - Andy Tonks
blacklistedandy
blacklistedandy
Ain't I - I mean Life... yes Life - a bitch?
I'm amazed Daddy still sends me post. Really. He must want to make sure I'm up to my job this year.

Bella dear, I will not be able to make it to your wedding (I wasn't really invited, merely informed) but here is my wedding gift to you, total and complete honesty.

Remember your garden dolly? I accidentally "decaffeinated" it the year I started Hogwarts. You shall find its head buried under the far tree outside the garden.

Your husband to be accidentally wandered into my room the first year you two were going at it. Don't tell him I said this, but he's really quite... well, I'll stop there.

Get a house with thick walls, otherwise your neighbors will all think you are killing small kittens.

I suggest you never have children. If you like I'll send you a charm to this effect and a book on how not to conceive. Trust me when I say you'll be sparing humanity great deals of suffering by this.

That time you got in trouble for hiding stuff in Cissy's room? I never admitted it, but it was me. But you knew that.

What you didn't know was I was the one taking your clothes, that sometimes I made Flippy go in your room to fetch things while you and Rudy were having "way to loud for your siblings to sleep" scandalous sex time.

I have more, but I'm not even going to get started.

Have a lovely wedding, Bella.

Current Mood: silly silly

15 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
From: semper_putus Date: August 24th, 2007 03:36 am (UTC) (Link)
You good-for-nothing, mudblood-loving, embarrassment to the family! How DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU DO THOSE THINGS TO ME! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE BEEN BORN A BLACK! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN BORN A MUDBLOOD, LIKE YOUR LAZY, INCOMPETANT, SLACK JAWED WASTE OF A HUSBAND! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU FOR POLLUTING OUR BLOODLINE AND ABANDONING ME AND CISSY JUST SO YOU CAN GET A PIECE OF DIRTY ASS! WHY, ANDSY? DONT YOU LOVE US TOO? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY!!!!FH;OAIG'JGSKLGJLSJGLS

... You owe me a doll, if your pathetic excuse of a husband can afford it.
blacklistedandy From: blacklistedandy Date: August 24th, 2007 03:43 am (UTC) (Link)
Why do I have to buy you a doll? There's a perfectly good head buried right where I told you.
From: semper_putus Date: August 24th, 2007 03:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Because you destroyed an antique that held a great amount of sentimental value.
blacklistedandy From: blacklistedandy Date: August 24th, 2007 03:49 am (UTC) (Link)
You had stuffed the antique's head full of worms, Bella.


Oh, just to say this... did you know my husband is way bigger than yours? If you know what I mean.
From: semper_putus Date: August 24th, 2007 03:53 am (UTC) (Link)
... hence the sentimental value. It was my favorite, Andromeda. You knew that.
blacklistedandy From: blacklistedandy Date: August 24th, 2007 11:37 am (UTC) (Link)
It was broken already. And I also got rid of that awful doll Mum told you to throw away a million times and you never did... The one that was half eaten and twitching without spellwork.
From: semper_putus Date: August 24th, 2007 05:39 pm (UTC) (Link)
THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH SCRUMP YOU BITCH!

very well.
blacklistedandy From: blacklistedandy Date: August 24th, 2007 06:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ask me anything you like right now, and I'll tell you the truth.

Besides, it's so funny to get you riled up.
From: semper_putus Date: August 24th, 2007 07:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Honestly, I'm not inclined to ask you anything.
blacklistedandy From: blacklistedandy Date: August 24th, 2007 10:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yet you are talking to me, I've made progress!
From: semper_putus Date: August 24th, 2007 10:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
And now I no longer am. Good bye.
From: fair_cissy Date: August 24th, 2007 04:51 am (UTC) (Link)
Honestly, Andy! When we didn't approve of your marriage, we just didn't attend the ceremony. There was no reason to send something so horrible and mean to Bella! Why in Merlin's name would you do that?
From: semper_putus Date: August 24th, 2007 04:56 am (UTC) (Link)
Because abusing her family is apparently her favorite past time. She doesn't love us, Cissy, and I doubt she ever has.

It's all right though. I have you. ♥ We don't need her.
blacklistedandy From: blacklistedandy Date: August 24th, 2007 11:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Well, it got her to talk to me didn't it?

Lighten up a bit Cissy, first off, I know for a fact that over the years you have been just as annoyed with how loud they were as I was. Secondly, I'm being honest.

I would hope whatever else passes that I could still be honest with my siblings.

Besides, her reaction was pretty damned funny!
From: fair_cissy Date: August 25th, 2007 04:41 am (UTC) (Link)
I learned how to cast a silencing charm as soon as they started. I know they are loud. But still.
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